Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
this is so top tier i cant
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.