Meowchelangelo
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
“Why you watching this shit?”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.