Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
You Might Also Like
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?