[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*