You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on