Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.