I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
this is funnier than any friends episode
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.