Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
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Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
first you must answer his riddles
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.