[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
You Might Also Like
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*