I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
best review i’ve ever seen
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now