If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party