I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars