[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
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If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
This is me
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.