Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
When can I start eating bats again.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Meowchelangelo
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.