Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
what it’s like dating me:
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
This is me 🤣🤣
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.