You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he鈥檚 at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it鈥檚 definitely a marathon.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If you like pi帽a coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn鈥檛 paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn鈥檛 the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You鈥檙e welcome
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD