“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.