I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
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Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
This is amazing.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did