I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle