Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
True
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Become ungovernable.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws