Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster