As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
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Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”