Baller is short for ballerina
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.