Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no