I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
The Sun
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path