One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.