Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
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I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
May your day taste like creamy soup.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.