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Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“How’s your day going?”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.