My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
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My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
PLOT TWIST:
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.