Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
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Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe