Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Best table by far
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.