[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
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Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today