Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack