Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
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my retirement plan is braless
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
ouch
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air