Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
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“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”