FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
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Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Is this a threat?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.