Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE