Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
what’s more important?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension