woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain