Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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these two trucks have the same bed length
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage