Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
The first matador
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame