When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
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“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”