You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money