My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My sex drive has a dui
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.