“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Who chose this font
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”