My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
This might be the funniest tweet ever
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?