My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
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Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
when you are just born a rebel
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified