How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’