Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I want what they have
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”