When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
You Might Also Like
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show